This is about the funniest thing I have come accross in awhile. This is a facebook group. Enjoy

You play a worship leader of a big time Church in downtown Calgary. As with all worship teams, you must recruit a band (or two) composed entirely of Churched individuals who think they are skilled in their instrument, when really, they are mediocre at best.

You must develop a repetoire of worship songs. You will train your transposition and arranging skills as you must make sure that every song has no more than four chords (fewer is better). Also, every song must be in either E or G, because any other key is much too hard for guitarists.

The game takes you through an exciting journey of worship leading as you develop and promote your ministry.

Feel free to engage and allow your instrumentalists to experiment with solos, but take caution, because any excessive soloing will cause an uprise amongst the old ladies in your congregation.

You must make sure your guitarists do not turn their amp past a .5 volume level! This will result in dissension from the sound techs in the back of the Church!

All worship sets must include a minimum of one hymn. This does not include modern hymnal remakes. You must learn to balance contemporary and classical worship music. This is to keep all ages of your congregation happy.

Hymns are only accessible in higher levels, due to the faster chord changes.

The final level will be a song in the key of A. However, it is impossible to beat, because none of your guitarists can play an F#m

You must have a minimum of three guitarists on your team. One bass, one electric, and one acoustic. Also, your acoustic must always be out of tune.

Your electric guitarist must play 90% of what the acoustic player is playing. Any derivation should be dealt with by turning the amp down. Also, the amp must be run through a DI Box. Do not mic the amp. Heaven forbid you have good tone.

Every song, every time in between the pre-chorus and chorus, must include a random band member shouting 'Jesus', 'Lord' or other indistinguishable noises.

75% of your vocalists must sing the melody. A maximum of two harmonies are allowed. These harmonies must be at 50% the volume of the melody. They must also be dragged out longer than the melody, to allow the congregation to hear them.

All worship sets must include a minimum of one (1) Chris Tomlin song.

If you are playing for a youth or young adult audience, song selection is strictly limited to United, Starfield and/or Skillet. Do not introduce more than 2 songs that are not known, as this will confuse and drive out the youth.

Once a month, the head pastor must join your worship team with a tamborine.

Your head pastor will always join you on stage for the last song. At this point, you will step down and let him sing. No matter how badly this sounds, remember God is still pleased.

Every song, fast or slow, must have a keyboard pad as the background. They keyboardist must work hard to make it look like they are contributing. (This is usually achieved by dramatic facial expressions, swaying, or yelling in between prechoruses and choruses.)

Members cannot practice daily, nor have any understanding of modes, chord-scale relationship.

Even if is only going from soft to mind-blowingly loud in half a measure, your drummer requires only one skill: and that is to build.

Drummers must resort to "Hot Rods" and/or plastic sticks because wood sticks make too much noise, which is never a good thing.

As well, the drummer is strictly the only member of the team with a sense of style. This style must be along the lines of or some modification of "scruffy".

The bassist will always be the only member of the band with actual talent. To ensure that no one hears him, make sure he is turned down at all times except for simple, one-note intros.

As with all worship teams, you're arch-nemesis "satan" will randomly incorporate his evil into your worship team. This will inevitably include failing power supplies, vocal mishaps, instrument destruction, etc..

Occasionally, one of your guitarists will require a capo. This will result in utter chaos as you will now have two sets of chord sheets, which will inevitably be mixed up and now none of your band members will know which key to play in.

Hero mode will include a song which requires a key change. Naturally, this will result in a melody way too high for ANYONE in the congregation to sing.

One of the boss levels will require you to bring the whole band in at the same time following a song which the Pastor requires to be sung a capella.

You will have to master a few commonly used gestures between musicians - especially between leaders and the remaining band. These will be met with a confused look and a shrug. Points are awarded for getting your band-mates to properly execute the section, using any means necessary (not excluding, dirty looks, frantic arm waving and/or yelling).

Practice Mode. Practice mode will always be fantastic and include many elements foreign to Sunday morning. ie: drum fills, shots, accapellas, interludes, worship, and the Holy Spirit. Also, every song's tempo will be increased by 30bpm to increase anxiety levels.

Bonus points if everyone in your band (including vocalists) shows up on time. However, double MINUS those points because the sound techs are MIA.

Occasionally during practice or performance you will encounter a challenge entitled "How does this song go?" Your guitarist, or pianist, who is starting the intro for your next song is frantically mouthing words to you. Can you make sense of their mumblings and remind them how it goes?

All drum kits must be completely engulfed by plexi glass. No one will know or ever understand the reasoning for this.

Occasionally, all instruments must play the exact same lick as the bass for a portion of a song. This will be known as "bass repetition"

Any and all guitar solos MUST begin with the melody of the song's chorus. Derivation will be allowed (but not recommended) after 4 bars.

You, as the worship leader, must conduct the entire congregation. You will not keep tempo however. You must force the band to follow your seizure-like speed changes.

Metronome/click track use during practice is strictly prohibited as it may unnecessarily make the musician too regimented. Could also lead to interference with "Spirit-led" (aka, wildly varying tempo) worship.

The game will also include a Stage Design mode, in which you will be able to add your own personal and more realistic touches to your environment. ie. tacky plastic flowers, inspirational banners, etc.

There will be a Character Design mode where you can dress your player. Your choices for clothing will range from the "earthy" worship leader (ie: birkenstocks and fuzzy sweaters) to the wannabe rockstar style (ie: ripped up jeans, layered shirts, messy fauhawk-mullet) to the conservative (full suit or ankle lenght black skirt, turtleneck etc.). Any choice of "inappropriate" clothing will result in an uprising of old ladies and threatening elders.

Patience Mode.
Patience Mode will include various aspects of worship, such as a member of the congregation who believes that they have amazing talent in playing an unusual musical instrument (90% of the time, it will be a classical instrument.) They will also clearly lack any talent whatsoever. You will have to clear stages with people playing recorders, flutes, trumpets, and a xylophone. The final level will include a bagpipe player who feels that he must contribute to the Praise & Worship songs....good luck.

Bonus points if all acoustic players, especially the singer-songwriter-worship leader, break a G string as they adrelanize while singing. More bonus points if any under-30 members of the band keep their mouths shut once they find out what just happened.

If your worship team can make it big, you will encounter a level in which your worship ministry produces it's own album of all cover songs that have already been covered by multiple artists. Bonus points for including a massively over-produced version of "Heart of Worship." You gain points if you can succesfully justify not licensing the album with the logic "it's for the Lord's glory."

Choosing worship set lists will be required at each level. Remember, inconsistancy and indecision are key. You will rehearse your set and then change three songs on Sunday and then change two more between services. Bonus points for having team setup where worship leader, bassist, and drummer are such good friends they can read each others minds. Just don't give them a cue or they'll run with it.

Song arrangement is key in a successful worship team. You must be sure to always have a song selection of 2 fast, 1 and/or 2 mid-tempo and 2 slow songs, in this order. Failure to do so will cause disengagement from the congregation.
In addition, the final slow song must be dominated by an angelic synth sound. This activates the Holy Spirit.

Be sure not to leave more than 4 seconds of awkward silence while transitioning songs, as the Holy Spirit Level Indicator (HSLI) will take a sudden drop.
If the HSLI remains in the red for more than 15 seconds, your team will be asked to leave the stage, and you will be told gently that there are other teams who would like to use their gifts for God as well. You will not be invited back to lead.

Points will also be lost when you request "just the voices", and your drummer keeps playing. Or, when the vast majority of the congregation raises their hands and sings only during the chorus, while staring blankly at you or the projection screen during the verses.

It is possible (although difficult) to unlock a bonus level by successfully turning off the volume for "the bad singer"; leaving their voice only coming through their own monitor, yet convinced that everyone in the congregation can hear them.

Oh, and its: Verses, Chorus, Verse, Chorus, Chorus, Bridge, Chorus, Verse...there is NO reason to change this, obvious, God-given order.

Lose points if you say "God is good", and nobody says "all the time".

At the end of a set (level), a middle-aged woman who knows your name but doesn't introduce herself will say, "You're SO anointed!"
Then the FHLI will blink, indicating the false humility you're about to use to respond. 5000 extra points and a free set of in-ears if you can figure out how to respond well.

Every so often you, as the leader, will take it upon yourself to do an acoustic set; which will face great and silent opposition from your electrics, keyboard and bass. No matter how boring this is, no one is allowed to or will ever complain because we all know that we do not come to church to be entertained. Proper completion of this level will contribute to a higher than normal FHLI, and a smaller turn out of youth the following Sunday.

and yes, it has to be played EXACTLY as Hillsong would play it.

Singing with the Angels

Today I read through Revelation 4 and 5 where John describes a little bit of the Throne Room he sees in heaven. It had to be an indescribable sight, but he does his best to give us a glimpse of what he sees.

Around the throne of God John sees the twenty four thrones on which sit twenty four elders wearing crowns. In front of the throne are the four creatures, each resembling a different animal, but all having six wings and being covered with eyes. A strange sight, to say the least. But these creatures sing a song that I'm sure you're familiar with. It goes like this:

"Holy, holy, holy,
Lord God Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come!"

They sing this song constantly, without ever taking a break. The scripture says, "They do not rest day or night." It goes on to say,"Whenever the living creatures give glory and honor and thanks to Him who sits on the throne, who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down and worship Him who lives forever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, 'You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for You created all things, and by Your will they exist and were created.'"

Can you imagine singing this same song over and over again without resting, forever?! How long would it take us to get bored? But these creatures are not human, and were created for this very purpose. I'm sure they have immense joy, if they feel joy, simply because they are doing the very thing they were created for!

So what about us? Could it be that we would find unfathomable joy if only we were doing what we were created for? So often we fight God when He requires something of us. Money, time, our families, our very lives… Yet, God knows us so intimately. He created us and knows exactly what we need. If only we would surrender ourselves completely. I looked up the word "surrender" in the dictionary. Here's what I found:

–verb
1. to yield (something) to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress: to surrender the fort to the enemy; to surrender the stolen goods to the police.
2. to give (oneself) up, as to the police.
3. to give (oneself) up to some influence, course, emotion, etc.: He surrendered himself to a life of hardship.
4. to give up, abandon, or relinquish (comfort, hope, etc.).
5. to yield or resign (an office, privilege, etc.) in favor of another.
6. to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.

Think about how these definitions apply to our relationship with Christ. Have we really surrendered?

As a worship leader I find it discouraging to look out at a congregation and so often see very little participation in the praise of our loving Father. I want so badly to see God's people united in adoration and worship, but instead, I see people waiting, expecting God to move before they will engage. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this, but it's something that started in our church long before I ever got here. And it's a struggle to get people to move beyond that point of waiting for God to do something before they worship. It's discouraging to see such a lack of participation in our worship services, but today God brought something to my attention that almost brought me to tears. On a personal level, I was deeply encouraged by this. Every time I praise God, I am joining the angels' roar of praise in heaven. Because of that, I know I am never alone in giving my praise and thanks to God.

Could it really be this easy?

"When they had seen Him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them...The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told." Luke 2:16-18;20

Could getting people to church really be this easy? Maybe it could be. Maybe it should be. What is your church doing to "spread the word concerning what you have been told about this child..."

Drive already

I am a good driver. No accidents. No moving violations in the past year. Not only have I not caused any accidents, but I’ve prevented several accidents with my evasive stealth maneuvers and cat like reflexes.

People are really bad on the road. I was stuck behind a red jeep last week that was swerving from lane to lane and moving very slowly. One by one, the cars that were stuck behind the jeep made the daring move to pass it as it swerved from side to side. As it was my turn to pass, I glanced over to see what category of bad driver this particular one fit in. (Yes, I confess that I have labeled certain groups of people as bad drivers) What I saw as I passed the jeep was a teenage girl, holding her cell phone up, right in front of her face and she was attempting to send a text message to one of her friends.

There are people on the news who say that we should ban cell phones while we drive. Or ban eating while we drive. Or ban all sorts of behaviors while driving. I have a better idea: Ban dumb drivers.

I propose a global ‘survivor’-like competition where if you cause an accident, you’re out. No more driving for you. Eventually as the bad drivers get weeded out, traffic flow would be great, accidents would be down and every time there was an accident that would mean one less driver. Of course the competition would eventually lead to the final showdown between the world’s final two drivers… probably somebody from Germany and of course myself.

How to write mediocre worship songs

In my parusal of the net this week I came accross this hilarious look at songwriting. Have a look and enjoy



A Comical Look At Common Pitfalls To Avoid In Song Writing

By Bob Kilpatrick


In most cases, one can use these three qualitative judgments- good, mediocre, bad- in descending orders. Good is better than mediocre. Mediocre is better than bad. But, in my humble opinion, it’s different in song writing; good is best, bad is good and mediocre is bad. As an example of proof I would reference the Shaggs “Philosophy of the World” album. Recorded (I believe) in the late Sixties by three sisters who (from what I have read) were forced into it by their father, this is one of the truly bad records of all time. It sounds like they could see each other but couldn’t hear each other while they played their instruments. And the songs! - Yikes! What terrible songs! Listening to this album is like watching as a minor traffic accident unfolds in front of you; not too hurtful and immensely enjoyable to have experienced. It is so bad; it ranks right up there just under good. Mediocrity, on the other hand, is excruciating. It has the desire for excellence without the talent to make it happen. It’s the loser of the playoff game, the billiard ball that almost went into the corner pocket, the salutatorian of the graduating class.

Having written hundreds of mediocre songs, I consider myself an expert. Consequently, I have deigned to share with you my tips on how to write a really mediocre song. These are road tested and guaranteed to work.

Number One- Start with a melody that sounds like another melody. This is especially effective if you model it after another mediocre melody. Make your melody only different enough to keep you out of a copyright infringement suit. Otherwise, hew as close as possible to what has been done before. “My Sweet Lord” was a good example of this at one time.

Number Two- To make up for the derivative melody; wrap it around some very odd chords. If you’re in the key of C, say, try throwing in a C, G#maj7, B6, F#m combination. This is what I call the “search for the lost chord” and is popular among high school boys working on their first songs.

Number Three- Free yourself from the restrictive song structures of the past. Move away from the verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, and chorus form into something that wanders without repeating itself. If you must have a chorus, change the words or the timing every time you repeat it.

Number Four- Say something in the lyric that others have said many times before and better. Borrow lyric ideas, if you can. Songs that refer to “amazing grace” or “the king in majesty” are especially good starting points. Reading through hymnals and chorus books will help you cull/steal ideas from other writers that you can dull down and repeat mindlessly.

Number Five- Use Christian phrases in common usage in the English-speaking world. Don’t change them (millions of happy Christian can’t be wrong.) Here’s a list to get you started; - washed my sins away - He lifts me up - I just came to praise the Lord - saved - born again - glory

Number Six- the reverse of Number Five- Don’t use any phrases that Christians would recognize. Make your metaphors so esoteric that only you and your closest friend from junior high get the meaning. This approach also helps if you want to reach a wider audience with your song. The less your lyrics can be construed to talk explicitly about God the better.

Number Seven- Don’t say just one thing in a song. Say two, or three, or even four things. Wander from idea to idea. Start by singing about your past sinful life, then move on to how wonderful nature is, then sing about the people of God and end up at the Second Coming. If you can make it all sound like it could be either, a) a worship song or, b) a love song, even better.

Number Eight- Mix and match your metaphors. Let rivers run over mountains in your song. Let the hand of God rain down on you. Stand before the throne on your knees. If you find this mixing and matching difficult to do, reading through modern chorus books or many recent Christian novels will help.

Number Nine- If you’re writing a worship song, talk TO God sometimes and ABOUT God at other times. If you can squeeze them both into the same line, especially in the chorus (if you must have one), all the more mediocre.

Number Ten- Never; ever rewrite your song after the first draft. If you hit a lyrical block, you can use the words “really” or hallelujah” or “to the Lord” very effectively to keep the song moving. If you must rewrite, do it when you’re tired, depressed or angry. Don’t throw away the first draft, just in case the song inadvertently improves.

Number Eleven- Give the song a title that never appears in the lyric. Make it obtuse or completely meaningless in relation to the song. One-word titles patterned after concepts or naturally occurring phenomenon are good. Some ideas are; - Rainy Day Worship Song #19 - Sun - The Three Of Us - Wind - Mountains And Sea - anything about shouting - You - Before The Throne.

There you have it. I’ve topped David Letterman’s list and, like Spinal Tap, have gone “one more higher.” If these guidelines don’t help you write truly, remarkably mediocre songs, then you should consider giving the effort up. Be careful, too, that you stay away from the reverse of these simple rules. If you don’t, you might start writing bad songs, or even good ones.

Bigfoot he he he

Can you believe it. After years of mystery and pranks, 2 guys claim to have found the legendary big foot. Here's a pic. excuse me for a sec. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. O.K. I'm back. I hate to get all sucked into this, but I can't help it. My only problem is that I'll be working during their press conference on Friday.

I found a much better picture of one while I was down by the river. Check it out

Way to pick 'em

Today I’m listening to a bunch of worship cds and also browsing iTunes, listening to 30 second snippets of worship songs. There are so many things I look for to find a “good” song for Mac to worship with. Music in general is a topic that is plagued with baggage - styles, volume preferences, etc.

There has always been an honesty factor in music that we work with at the MAC. Back when I first started doing this, I determined that the music we do needs tyo be meaningful, and singable by everyone in the church. In the last few years, "church music" has gotten more diverse - it’s not as cut and dry as it used to be. The rock stations play so much more than rock music - the lines between genres themselves have blurred to a point where it’s hard to classify songs. The emphasis on genere has switched to an emphasis on reality, sincerity, and epic. today's worship music takes people on a musical journey. It is important to pick songs, that when tied together, reveal something of the charactor of our God.

So with that, here’s the general ideas around my song picking criteria:

• The song allows people to worship God by: -”Hooking” their hearts with the music - music that complements the lyrics, innovative, not cookie-cutter. -Intellectually connecting with God through the lyrics, which must be clear, relevant, and sincere. (Real!)
  The lyrics must be theologically sound.
• “God” focused songs, rather than “me” focused. I tend to agree with this quote:
  
  “If you doubt what I’m saying, listen next time you’re singing in worship. It’s about how Jesus forgives me, embraces me, makes me feel his presence, strengthens me, forgives me, holds me close, touches me, revives me, etc., etc. Now this is all fine. But if an extraterrestrial outsider from Mars were to observe us, I think he would say either a) that these people are all mildly dysfunctional and need a lot of hug therapy . . . or b) that they don’t give a rip about the rest of the world, that their religion/spirituality makes them as selfish as any non Christian, but just in spiritual things rather than material ones.” -Brian Mclaren
  Now, this isn’t a 100% rule, (there are MANY great “me” focused songs out there that really glorify God) but it’s a good guideline to follow, to help avoid that “consumerist-experiental” American trap we so often fall into.
  
• Songs about a mission have been taking off like crazy in our church, like “Take My Life” - songs that could get you “in trouble” if you really are sincere the words you are singing! Just think about what you’re giving God permission to do! He’ll probably do it. Side note - have you ever been in prayer before a service and invited God to humble you for that particular service? He will. You’ll break a string, or forget all the lyrics, something will fall out of the ceiling and break your equipment, or SOMETHING. Dangerous. I love it.
  
• Relevant lyrics. Words like “Zion,” “Israel,” “Jubilee,” “Ancient Of Days,” etc don’t mean much to our audience unless they’ve grown up in church. I’m not saying we should simplify our message or water it down, just keep current with today’s language - it’ll resonate with people’s hearts a LOT more.
  
• After a song gets picked, I listen to it and play it by myself a ton of times and think of new things to do with it musically, or whether it needs things added to the lyrics - then take it to the band. We practice it a few times, then think of ways to make it better as a group, and then bring it to the church. When we’ve done it three times or so at the church, we’ve got the “feel” of it, and can really fine tune it to a new standard. It’s a fun process to be a part of!
  

OR . . . you could skip the weeding out process and write your own worship songs. More on that later.

Don' Just stand there. Kick over a chair or something

I suspect every worship leader has faced one--even Crowder and Tomlin have surely walked onto a stage in a room full of people who were too quiet and not planning on getting engaged in worship (although probably not recently). You're the worship leader. Your mission statement says something about "engaging, dynamic, authentic worship, yada, yada, yada," and it ain't happenin' today, my friend.

I heard a recording of Tim Hughes at a Passion conference breakout several years ago, suggesting that the usual way of dealing with those times when the people just don't seem to be engaged is to "play 'Shout to the Lord'," and if they still don't respond, play it LOUDER. (And, yes, he was joking.)

I can think of times in my own worship ministry when we've just played our hearts out--we can't possibly squeeze another ounce of passion out of the players and singers--and...blah. It feels like nobody cares that we're worshiping a risen Savior.

It just happens that way, sometimes. I suspect it happens less in larger churches, where it's much easier to reach the critical mass with a large crowd, where the energy seems to create itself. In smaller churches, it can be tough to convince enough people that they have good reason to clap their hands and join in exuberant worship.

Lest the reader think I have this all figured out, know that I am asking these questions of myself, hoping that maybe I'll be able to come up with some reasonably reliable way to help people become engaged in worship. In the meantime, I offer some suggestions, some of which I believe have actually made a bit of a difference from time to time.

1. 
   Don't get on the crowd's case about being unenthusiastic. It just might be that YOU haven't done much to engage them. Look at what you're doing. Ask trusted team members for critique and feedback. As someone you trust in the congregation to level with you.
   ASK them to engage. Tell them it's okay to clap, to applaud (some people come from church backgrounds where applause is frowned upon), to worship in whatever manner is meaningful to them.
2. 
   Mix it up. If you say exactly the same sorts of things from the stage every single week, people may go into autopilot mode the moment you step to the mic. Call them to worship with Scripture, or with a song, or with media in some way. Keep 'em guessing from week to week.
3. 
   Make sure your team looks alive. Worship is contagious. So is boredom. Do we lead worship as if we really care about it, or are we nervous, or tired, or bored? Whatever our attitude or mood, it's probably coming through.
4. 
   Pray for your congregation and your team. Getting prepared for leading worship is a lot of work. But even if every other little job is done, if you haven't prayed for your people, you're not ready.
5. 
   Evaluate. Whether things go well or fall flat, it might help to sit down with the team from time to time (and/or the senior pastor) and assess how we're doing.

As I noted earlier, I'm not saying we do all of this stuff right. Maybe you've got some other ideas? I'd love to hear them.