Drive already

I am a good driver. No accidents. No moving violations in the past year. Not only have I not caused any accidents, but I’ve prevented several accidents with my evasive stealth maneuvers and cat like reflexes.

People are really bad on the road. I was stuck behind a red jeep last week that was swerving from lane to lane and moving very slowly. One by one, the cars that were stuck behind the jeep made the daring move to pass it as it swerved from side to side. As it was my turn to pass, I glanced over to see what category of bad driver this particular one fit in. (Yes, I confess that I have labeled certain groups of people as bad drivers) What I saw as I passed the jeep was a teenage girl, holding her cell phone up, right in front of her face and she was attempting to send a text message to one of her friends.

There are people on the news who say that we should ban cell phones while we drive. Or ban eating while we drive. Or ban all sorts of behaviors while driving. I have a better idea: Ban dumb drivers.

I propose a global ‘survivor’-like competition where if you cause an accident, you’re out. No more driving for you. Eventually as the bad drivers get weeded out, traffic flow would be great, accidents would be down and every time there was an accident that would mean one less driver. Of course the competition would eventually lead to the final showdown between the world’s final two drivers… probably somebody from Germany and of course myself.

How to write mediocre worship songs

In my parusal of the net this week I came accross this hilarious look at songwriting. Have a look and enjoy



A Comical Look At Common Pitfalls To Avoid In Song Writing

By Bob Kilpatrick


In most cases, one can use these three qualitative judgments- good, mediocre, bad- in descending orders. Good is better than mediocre. Mediocre is better than bad. But, in my humble opinion, it’s different in song writing; good is best, bad is good and mediocre is bad. As an example of proof I would reference the Shaggs “Philosophy of the World” album. Recorded (I believe) in the late Sixties by three sisters who (from what I have read) were forced into it by their father, this is one of the truly bad records of all time. It sounds like they could see each other but couldn’t hear each other while they played their instruments. And the songs! - Yikes! What terrible songs! Listening to this album is like watching as a minor traffic accident unfolds in front of you; not too hurtful and immensely enjoyable to have experienced. It is so bad; it ranks right up there just under good. Mediocrity, on the other hand, is excruciating. It has the desire for excellence without the talent to make it happen. It’s the loser of the playoff game, the billiard ball that almost went into the corner pocket, the salutatorian of the graduating class.

Having written hundreds of mediocre songs, I consider myself an expert. Consequently, I have deigned to share with you my tips on how to write a really mediocre song. These are road tested and guaranteed to work.

Number One- Start with a melody that sounds like another melody. This is especially effective if you model it after another mediocre melody. Make your melody only different enough to keep you out of a copyright infringement suit. Otherwise, hew as close as possible to what has been done before. “My Sweet Lord” was a good example of this at one time.

Number Two- To make up for the derivative melody; wrap it around some very odd chords. If you’re in the key of C, say, try throwing in a C, G#maj7, B6, F#m combination. This is what I call the “search for the lost chord” and is popular among high school boys working on their first songs.

Number Three- Free yourself from the restrictive song structures of the past. Move away from the verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, and chorus form into something that wanders without repeating itself. If you must have a chorus, change the words or the timing every time you repeat it.

Number Four- Say something in the lyric that others have said many times before and better. Borrow lyric ideas, if you can. Songs that refer to “amazing grace” or “the king in majesty” are especially good starting points. Reading through hymnals and chorus books will help you cull/steal ideas from other writers that you can dull down and repeat mindlessly.

Number Five- Use Christian phrases in common usage in the English-speaking world. Don’t change them (millions of happy Christian can’t be wrong.) Here’s a list to get you started; - washed my sins away - He lifts me up - I just came to praise the Lord - saved - born again - glory

Number Six- the reverse of Number Five- Don’t use any phrases that Christians would recognize. Make your metaphors so esoteric that only you and your closest friend from junior high get the meaning. This approach also helps if you want to reach a wider audience with your song. The less your lyrics can be construed to talk explicitly about God the better.

Number Seven- Don’t say just one thing in a song. Say two, or three, or even four things. Wander from idea to idea. Start by singing about your past sinful life, then move on to how wonderful nature is, then sing about the people of God and end up at the Second Coming. If you can make it all sound like it could be either, a) a worship song or, b) a love song, even better.

Number Eight- Mix and match your metaphors. Let rivers run over mountains in your song. Let the hand of God rain down on you. Stand before the throne on your knees. If you find this mixing and matching difficult to do, reading through modern chorus books or many recent Christian novels will help.

Number Nine- If you’re writing a worship song, talk TO God sometimes and ABOUT God at other times. If you can squeeze them both into the same line, especially in the chorus (if you must have one), all the more mediocre.

Number Ten- Never; ever rewrite your song after the first draft. If you hit a lyrical block, you can use the words “really” or hallelujah” or “to the Lord” very effectively to keep the song moving. If you must rewrite, do it when you’re tired, depressed or angry. Don’t throw away the first draft, just in case the song inadvertently improves.

Number Eleven- Give the song a title that never appears in the lyric. Make it obtuse or completely meaningless in relation to the song. One-word titles patterned after concepts or naturally occurring phenomenon are good. Some ideas are; - Rainy Day Worship Song #19 - Sun - The Three Of Us - Wind - Mountains And Sea - anything about shouting - You - Before The Throne.

There you have it. I’ve topped David Letterman’s list and, like Spinal Tap, have gone “one more higher.” If these guidelines don’t help you write truly, remarkably mediocre songs, then you should consider giving the effort up. Be careful, too, that you stay away from the reverse of these simple rules. If you don’t, you might start writing bad songs, or even good ones.

Bigfoot he he he

Can you believe it. After years of mystery and pranks, 2 guys claim to have found the legendary big foot. Here's a pic. excuse me for a sec. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. O.K. I'm back. I hate to get all sucked into this, but I can't help it. My only problem is that I'll be working during their press conference on Friday.

I found a much better picture of one while I was down by the river. Check it out

Way to pick 'em

Today I’m listening to a bunch of worship cds and also browsing iTunes, listening to 30 second snippets of worship songs. There are so many things I look for to find a “good” song for Mac to worship with. Music in general is a topic that is plagued with baggage - styles, volume preferences, etc.

There has always been an honesty factor in music that we work with at the MAC. Back when I first started doing this, I determined that the music we do needs tyo be meaningful, and singable by everyone in the church. In the last few years, "church music" has gotten more diverse - it’s not as cut and dry as it used to be. The rock stations play so much more than rock music - the lines between genres themselves have blurred to a point where it’s hard to classify songs. The emphasis on genere has switched to an emphasis on reality, sincerity, and epic. today's worship music takes people on a musical journey. It is important to pick songs, that when tied together, reveal something of the charactor of our God.

So with that, here’s the general ideas around my song picking criteria:

• The song allows people to worship God by: -”Hooking” their hearts with the music - music that complements the lyrics, innovative, not cookie-cutter. -Intellectually connecting with God through the lyrics, which must be clear, relevant, and sincere. (Real!)
  The lyrics must be theologically sound.
• “God” focused songs, rather than “me” focused. I tend to agree with this quote:
  
  “If you doubt what I’m saying, listen next time you’re singing in worship. It’s about how Jesus forgives me, embraces me, makes me feel his presence, strengthens me, forgives me, holds me close, touches me, revives me, etc., etc. Now this is all fine. But if an extraterrestrial outsider from Mars were to observe us, I think he would say either a) that these people are all mildly dysfunctional and need a lot of hug therapy . . . or b) that they don’t give a rip about the rest of the world, that their religion/spirituality makes them as selfish as any non Christian, but just in spiritual things rather than material ones.” -Brian Mclaren
  Now, this isn’t a 100% rule, (there are MANY great “me” focused songs out there that really glorify God) but it’s a good guideline to follow, to help avoid that “consumerist-experiental” American trap we so often fall into.
  
• Songs about a mission have been taking off like crazy in our church, like “Take My Life” - songs that could get you “in trouble” if you really are sincere the words you are singing! Just think about what you’re giving God permission to do! He’ll probably do it. Side note - have you ever been in prayer before a service and invited God to humble you for that particular service? He will. You’ll break a string, or forget all the lyrics, something will fall out of the ceiling and break your equipment, or SOMETHING. Dangerous. I love it.
  
• Relevant lyrics. Words like “Zion,” “Israel,” “Jubilee,” “Ancient Of Days,” etc don’t mean much to our audience unless they’ve grown up in church. I’m not saying we should simplify our message or water it down, just keep current with today’s language - it’ll resonate with people’s hearts a LOT more.
  
• After a song gets picked, I listen to it and play it by myself a ton of times and think of new things to do with it musically, or whether it needs things added to the lyrics - then take it to the band. We practice it a few times, then think of ways to make it better as a group, and then bring it to the church. When we’ve done it three times or so at the church, we’ve got the “feel” of it, and can really fine tune it to a new standard. It’s a fun process to be a part of!
  

OR . . . you could skip the weeding out process and write your own worship songs. More on that later.

Don' Just stand there. Kick over a chair or something

I suspect every worship leader has faced one--even Crowder and Tomlin have surely walked onto a stage in a room full of people who were too quiet and not planning on getting engaged in worship (although probably not recently). You're the worship leader. Your mission statement says something about "engaging, dynamic, authentic worship, yada, yada, yada," and it ain't happenin' today, my friend.

I heard a recording of Tim Hughes at a Passion conference breakout several years ago, suggesting that the usual way of dealing with those times when the people just don't seem to be engaged is to "play 'Shout to the Lord'," and if they still don't respond, play it LOUDER. (And, yes, he was joking.)

I can think of times in my own worship ministry when we've just played our hearts out--we can't possibly squeeze another ounce of passion out of the players and singers--and...blah. It feels like nobody cares that we're worshiping a risen Savior.

It just happens that way, sometimes. I suspect it happens less in larger churches, where it's much easier to reach the critical mass with a large crowd, where the energy seems to create itself. In smaller churches, it can be tough to convince enough people that they have good reason to clap their hands and join in exuberant worship.

Lest the reader think I have this all figured out, know that I am asking these questions of myself, hoping that maybe I'll be able to come up with some reasonably reliable way to help people become engaged in worship. In the meantime, I offer some suggestions, some of which I believe have actually made a bit of a difference from time to time.

1. 
   Don't get on the crowd's case about being unenthusiastic. It just might be that YOU haven't done much to engage them. Look at what you're doing. Ask trusted team members for critique and feedback. As someone you trust in the congregation to level with you.
   ASK them to engage. Tell them it's okay to clap, to applaud (some people come from church backgrounds where applause is frowned upon), to worship in whatever manner is meaningful to them.
2. 
   Mix it up. If you say exactly the same sorts of things from the stage every single week, people may go into autopilot mode the moment you step to the mic. Call them to worship with Scripture, or with a song, or with media in some way. Keep 'em guessing from week to week.
3. 
   Make sure your team looks alive. Worship is contagious. So is boredom. Do we lead worship as if we really care about it, or are we nervous, or tired, or bored? Whatever our attitude or mood, it's probably coming through.
4. 
   Pray for your congregation and your team. Getting prepared for leading worship is a lot of work. But even if every other little job is done, if you haven't prayed for your people, you're not ready.
5. 
   Evaluate. Whether things go well or fall flat, it might help to sit down with the team from time to time (and/or the senior pastor) and assess how we're doing.

As I noted earlier, I'm not saying we do all of this stuff right. Maybe you've got some other ideas? I'd love to hear them.